… and “a preposterously oversized head,” which is one of numerous gems contained within this fantastic feature on the Colorado football coach. He appears equal parts bizarre and brilliant, maniacal and motivational, but completely entertaining and enjoyable.

“I understand how everybody wants to know all they can about Rob Lowe and these celebrities in the public eye,” he said then, questioning my interest in him. “I’m just your average cat on the street. I lie around on my couch and scratch my balls just like everyone else.”

Now we walk across the Valor campus together. A wind cuts across the quad, making me shiver. I say something about the low temperature.

“Cold?” he quips. “This ain’t cold.”

I tell him that I’m from Miami, and although I’ve been in Colorado for a year I still haven’t adjusted to the climate. He looks at me but doesn’t say anything. I can’t tell if he’s processing my words or if maybe I’m boring him. His gaze drifts from me, past the campus, to a horizon of subdivisions and shopping centers. We take a couple more steps toward the gym.

“I think of myself as indigenous,” he says finally. “When people ask where I’m from, I like to say I’m from Earth.”

Rob Lowe? Indigenous? You owe it to yourself to go on. I’m pleased to know there’s more to the man than one memorable outburst … though that’s covered toward the end.

One afternoon this spring, I heard Hawkins’ infamous words echo across the practice bubble. A trio of visitors had prodded him to repeat the Rant, and he delivered the goods, to their delight. It is delightful.