A quick story about my keys, one that some of you have apparently heard already. Last Friday — the day before WVU didn’t play — I went to the food store and bought many items. When I got home, I decided to carry all the bags in at once. So I kept my keys in my hand, threaded my arms through the handles of the plastic bags, took the short series of steps from my car to the front door, unlocked the door and put the groceries on the counter in the kitchen.

My dog started going nuts, and I noticed two people on my front porch and that the storm door was closing. So I walked from the kitchen to the door and calmed my dog along the way. The two youths were gone, and I spotted them going up on the porch of another house on the block. This did not seem unusual. I figured, from the kitchen, they were bible salesmen or people looking to sell magazine subscriptions to fund a trip to France. But they were dressed like hobos. They weren’t Jehova’s Witnesses. I couldn’t find a takeout menu in the mailbox. I didn’t recognize them. And now they were going to a third house.

Something was wrong, so I called the non-emergency number for the police department. It wasn’t long until I realized my keys — the keys to the house and to my car and my wife’s car — we gone. Pilfered!

The past 10 days have been as much of a nuisance as you’d imagine. A saga. I changed the locks on the house right away, and we’re parking one car in our one-car garage. The other car? I bought that one used. I only have one key for it. That key is gone now, so I can’t move the car. I took a tire off so no one could drive away in it. My wife slept on the couch the first night. (She said she was being vigilant. I don’t think she was mad at me.) We had a neighborhood watch-ish bonfire the next night. My keys have The Tile, and the only time it’s dinged lately was the morning after. That was a fruitless and desperate search, except that we discovered the two suspects had, I guess, harassed an elderly couple in the neighborhood, up to and including asking the woman at the door, “Are you here alone?” That was not cool. We’re keeping an eye on that.

Fortunately, I have exquisite auto insurance. I was sure I was going to get screwed by some technicality, but all the locks and keys and key fobs are being replaced at no cost. But this is infuriating, to say the least. You didn’t do anything wrong, but your world gets flipped. You think you’ve taken precautions, but just when you start to feel normal — or as normal as you can when people have your keys, to say nothing of the troubling nerve to come up on your porch to take those keys — you hear a house noise or a car starting. The dog barks at 1 a.m. The UPS guy drops a package between your storm door and front door. Someone is behind you when you walk from the football stadium to your house.

You’re antsy. You get rattled. You really can’t relax until you know it’s finished.

It’s hard to explain, or so I thought. Then Saturday happened, and as I read these texts, I felt that maybe you felt how I’d felt. Things are going perfectly normal, and then something unthinkable happens. You never saw it coming. You don’t know who to blame. You’re sure it’s going to end badly, that someone’s out to get you one way or another, but you discover there’s a redeeming finish to the story. You want to just exhale and get back to normal, but you know better than to let down your guard until everything is complete. And you know it’s going to take a while to get there, so you better brace yourself for all the headaches that have to happen before then.

Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are. As my memory rests but never texts what I lost. My edits are in [brackets].

11:59:
Gameday crew unanimously picks WVU. Should i throw in the towel now?

2:53:
Hey, Mike. Do you have any KEYS to this game you want to share with us?

3:12
17 yo son begged me to take him to this game. Apparently, kids today have much different definition for Cougars.

3:32:
I have friends who went to Utah. They hate BYU palpably. They want us to hurt BYU.

3:33:
The Pitt SID has announced the crowd at FedEx Field at 90,000. Amazing!

3:34:
The game hasn’t even started and I have already muted ESPN 2!

3:35:
The crowd in the upper deck has come dressed as Pitt fans.

3:43:
Oh boy…red zone. We are weak af down here. Sigh…

3:44:
Lawd…going for it on 4th down? My nerves! This new stuff has me nervous as hell! Lol!

3:45:
Team Go For It!

3:45:
21-0!

3:45:
Wvu 21, BYU 0. Damn.

3:45:
Okay, Shell! Nicely done, boys! Nice opening series!

3:46:
That’s 3 consecutive red zone plays with TDs. Too bad only one counted.

3:46:
These refs are direct descendants of Joseph Smith, the one con artist greater than Drumpf.

3:46:
BYU on a mission early

3:47:
One way to look at that is that we just got three consecutive touchdowns on three consecutive Red Zone plays.

3:47:
Now defense needs to make a statement. Gotta make a solid 123 and out.

3:48:
Clever move by HCDH. Dispel red zone concerns by scoring 3X on 1st possession.

3:48:
Shell looked like a rabbit there

3:49:
Wondering if Mack had any more top ten plays

3:53:
Rush D someone?

4:00:
Our dline is abiding by the honor code so far

4:00:
wasted first and 20

4:01:
Picking on 13. Again

4:02:
Does BYU have to score three times, too, before that counts

4:02:
Really, defense??? That middle is weak af. I can’t.

4:02:
butter D

4:03:
Need something stronger than wine. Where’s that rum? #MountaineersMakeMeDrink

4:09:
Triple coverage, Skylar. Damnit.

4:10:
QB is 26. Literally playing against a bunch of GAMs.

4:10:
The Skylar we dreaded, the D we dreaded.

4:10:
What the [funk] was that, Skyler?

4:12:
Like…wtf are we doing?????

4:13:
These fools are about to make me turn back to the Game of Thrones marathon. Sigh…

4:15:
BYGAMs don’t need any help. call the hold ref

4:15:
We need Kwit

4:23:
Did Skyler just slide? Seriously? He could have gotten that.

4:24:
Really like this Crawford kid.

4:24:
That would have been a TD if we could block.

4:28:
Shell hits the hole with the same urgency that I hit my homework in 10th grade

4:28:
Shell should be the dancer instead of Ricky Rogers.

4:28:
Let’s get it to the back every play.

4:29:
Shell is Dorset’s nephew? Where have I been?

4:29:
He responds to my sass with his two best plays off the day. Sorry, Rush

4:31:

4:33:
Ghost of DeForest!

4:34:
The 3rd side of the ball has gone flat.

4:40:
D progressing. first punt

4:41:
Best thing about Fed Ex? No [fancy] 3rd down knell.

4:47:
13! Pressured QB made that one.

4:47:
Raasuuuullll!

4:49:
WVU’s first defensive touchdown since Eric Wicks took one to the house at the Carrier Dome. Don’t fact check that one.

4:49:
That one feels huge. We will see.

4:51:
Special teams very special today

4:53:
WVU special teams not so f’n special!

4:56:
Koy was the better Detmer

4:58:
Time out???? Wtf????????? Why?

4:58:
Dana strikes again! Timeout?

4:58:
Now a TO? [complicated profanities]!

4:59:
Taysom Hill took that from the Josh Dobbs playbook

5:03:
Idiots.

5:04:
Official review for [flagrant] reprehensible clock management. Now I’ve seen everything

5:04:
I haven’t seen a drive managed this poorly since the Donner Party

5:06:
Just thinking about BYU athletes during this review. Can u b amateur & collect social security?

5:07:
That just beat the Oklahoma State call for the worst call in the history of college football. That is absolutely insane.

5:18:
And where in the _____ is Mike Patrick?

5:34:
Nobody in the middle of the [football] field. Nice halftime adjustments, Gibby.

5:34:
Our defense suuuuuuuuucks

5:45:
That linesman on the WVU side owes us about 10 yards at this point due to [shady] spots

5:46:
That Missouri win is looking better every day. They’re currently up 58-0 on Delaware State.

5:47:
Why goes through Skyler Howard’s head, I wonder

5:47:
Who the [furnace] called that play?

5:47:
Ahhhhhh. 5 inches and no.

5:47:
Jesus, what a pathetic call.

5:47:
Dana is an idiot. Howard on 4th down doesn’t work

5:47:
4th and short and you let you 100lb qb run it from the shotgun. Please tell me we have another play there.

5:48:
noooooooooooo. why skyler?

5:49:
Terrible play call. That being said someone has got to block.

5:49:
please burn the QB keeper out of the playbook

5:50:
WHAT THE [FUNGUS] WAS THAT DANA? 4TH AND 1 SNEAK OUT OF THE GODDAMN SHOTGUN?!?!?!

5:52:
Tackling drills Gibson used didn’t work

5:54:
who shot the Sharif?

5:55:
Adam Shuler: GAM.

5:55:
Did you get kicked out of the press box for cheering Khairi’s recovery?

5:57:
The other Gibby! Now, red zone. [Fork].

6:00:
skyler keeps. only one hand on ball

6:00:
I can’t believe Shelton didn’t get called for a hold. I’ll take it!

6:04:
This defense ain’t going to cut it when we get into conference play!

6:05:
I may vomit.

6:07:
98-yard drive here might do BYU in.

6:13:
Does McChesney know his name? Damn!

6:14:
McCoy put that [fella] out.

6:16:
Dagger.

6:16:
FINISH THEM.

6:17:
QB rollout TD pass! no red zone issues

6:17:
The skill guys are all good and this is the game where they’re all figuring it out.

6:18:
I feel like you may write a story in december about THAT drive.

6:23:
Prevent defense with 10 minutes left is a mistake

6:26:
13!

6:28:
At least offer some [good] resistance.

6:29:
BYU might want to put Detmer thru concussion protocol. Curious play calls

6:34:
Once again, Holgorsen can’t finish a game.

6:37:
Sharif can’t cover

6:39:
2016 defense will rival 2012 and 2013

6:41:
This D is 2012. Broken QB and a patchwork OL [shaking] all over it.

6:45:
I’m pretty sure Kelly Stouffer was in the original Tecmo Bowl.

6:46:
Missouri 79 Delaware State 0.

6:46:
TD or die here. Better be a [beautiful] play call here during this TO.

6:48:
GAM status not yet reached

6:48:
I scared the cat yelling at that drop. [Frankly], it’s over.

6:48:
How do you drop that? Oh, you’re 37 years old.

6:49:
Touchdown BYU coming up here. #WAITINGFORTHEFALL

6:49:
#DAWGS got this.

6:53:
G.A.R.B.

6:53:
OMG. OMG. OMG.

6:54:
What is happening

6:54:
Is this real

6:54:
This team cannot keep from [fileting] itself. Jesus

6:55:
mango farming

6:55:
Dana might need to be worried about his job after this game.

6:56:
What did I ever do to the universe?

6:56:
creative ways to lose a football game

6:56:
I feel the slow twisting of the knife

6:58:
#RimingtonTrophy

6:58:
This game defines the ‘fall’ wvu fans wait for

6:59:
Told you bout them #DAWGS

6:59:
these people are trying to kill me

6:59:
Imma let you finish, but this is the best worst fourth quarter of all time

7:00:
No one deserves to win this game.

7:02:
Lets see if we can accomplish a center to QB exchange, you [guys].

7:04:
My heart cant take another game like that.

7:04:
Eeked out that one

7:04:
That was just stressful as hell! Lol! Dbacks saved the day! That middle though…not agressive enough on the run. WRs looked good today though.

7:37:
“With a little love and luck you will get by.”

7:41:
I enjoy Quint Kessenich’s schtick as much as I hate Rod Gilmore’s.