Apologies in advance today — and not because what follows is especially crude. I mean, it is, but that was to be expected, no? But it turns out that Mountaineer Field is not the best place from which to send and receive text messages. Why didn’t anyone tell me this?!?!

The transmissions were all akimbo Saturday night. This hasn’t happened before, so I’m not completely sure what actually happened, but it’s safe to say there was traffic in the air. Texts arrived in swaths, sometimes separated by big gaps. (I bury my phone during a game, so I didn’t see it happening.) It appears to me they maintained a chronological order, but there was roughly a 100-minute gap between the last time-stamped text late in the third quarter and then the 150 or so that popped up after midnight.

So I scratched out the times on those late-arriving texts and just ran them in the best order I could assemble. I’m hoping this doesn’t happen again.

/segue

I trust you feel the same way about Saturday night.

And with that, I don’t want to keep you much longer, but I’ll open it up to a discussion to fill the space that would normally — and still might! — be filled with you typing in the times of your favorite texts. Without turning Saturday into a blame game between the offense and the defense, I think it’s fair to ask this: Is the offense constructed in a way that actually lets it assist the defense, and/or is the defense good enough to hold up what’s suddenly and certainly become a tawdry offense anchored by an earthbound passing game?

No. 2 Baylor scored 66 points Saturday and averages 64 per game. No. 3 TCU scored 52, including 35 after halftime, and averages 51. Those are the next two opponents for the Mountaineers (3-2, 0-2 Big 12), who in a two-game losing streak have totaled 50 points.

Much will be made of the second half of WVU’s brutal four-game stretch of ranked opponents, but when the Mountaineers are clear of those four teams they gets a home game against Texas Tech. The Red Raiders scored 66 against Iowa State, lead the nation in passing offense and rank No. 2 nationally between Baylor and TCU in total offense and scoring offense.

WVU’s offense leads the Big 12 in turnovers and is second-to-last in sacks allowed between Iowa State and Texas, which is not the sort of company the Mountaineers expected to keep even two weeks ago.

But the offense scored seven points in the first half on the road against Oklahoma to trail by 10 points at halftime, and then didn’t even score while playing what Seider said was “as bad a half as you can play offensively” to trail 17-2 at halftime against the Cowboys.

This was a home night game against a team WVU had beaten back-to-back years, which is something that shouldn’t be dismissed because the Mountaineers haven’t won successive games against any other Big 12 team since joining the conference.

“They were pretty wide-eyed early,” Holgorsen said.

And I’m going to hold on for the rest of my days, because I know what it means to text along the lonely street of dreams. My edits are in [brackets].

12:55:
WVU has become OU’s Super Bowl? Another OU slide looms?

4:21:
Karl Joesph’s knee died so Big 12 receivers may live.

6:22:
We are winning this [competition]…big picture…the big 12 is ours

7:07:
I could have smuggled so many more beers in. I’m disappointed in myself.

7:15:
In a bar. In Birmingham. They just changed my 1 little tv that I was watching to to the Alabama game.

7:17:
CREST

7:17:
Announce team includes the Lesser Huard

7:21:
Just caught myself cheering with the Bama fans. What have I become?

7:21:
I have so much hate for lane kiffin. So conflicted right now.

7:21:
DeFo’s residual effect on OSU special teams.

7:39:
Edward Scissorhands had a better right arm than Howard

7:40:
Jared the Barber Beefcake whiffed worse than Snoop’s parole officer

7:40:
Does Karl know?

7:40:
Crest Virginia

7:40:
Commercial just aired that strongly implying Buick SUVs are the choice of backseat teen sex

7:42:
Now boner pill ads. I feel unmoored outside the Fox broadcast universe.

7:42:
How do we know that’s the real Dana and not the Hologram?

7:42:
If we can’t block 4 we’re in trouble.

7:42:
Is it too soon to say I told you so about Howard? He’s awful.

7:43:
Is Skylar’s 15 minutes up? Gundy hopes not.

7:43:
Karl does know. He knows we bad.

7:43:
This guy’s +/- is negative infinity

7:43:
Fins to the left? Oh, no, wait, touchdown … Wa wahh

7:43:
Bartender just invited girls beside me to his house when he getS off work… So, #ImOld

7:46:
DONT PULL YOUR THANG OUT UNLESS YOU PLAN TO BANG

7:47:
Our offensive identity is that of a mango farmin spineless chameleon.

7:47:
Pick Six is only hope for offense tonight

7:54:
$/():!? field position

7:55:
You were right. The juco sucks.

7:55:
Crest can’t do worse

7:55:
Okay, they changed it to the WVU game for me, but what if I want them to change it back?

7:55:
Does Karl know I’m drunk?

7:55:
Maybe having a quarterback with a strippers name isn’t the best idea.

7:55:
So OSU score means we get better field position?

7:55:
Stephen Hawking is mocking Howard’s arm now

7:55:
Bartender just asked me who I was rooting for. I said ” these [mountaineers].” When WVU had the ball. He walked away.

7:55:
OmG Karl Joseph on TV. I can’t take it…

7:55:
Joseph with jersey over hoodie is the new normcore

7:55:
I’d rather play Moe Howard at QB and he’s been dead 40 years.

7:55:
Have we passed the 50 yet?

7:56:
On the scene like a turnover machine.

7:56:
Ok States best offense is our offense’s incompetence. Wait, what?

7:56:
I’ve sheen enough shell

7:56:
Dana looks like his dog just died

7:56:
Have fun with brackets

7:56:
Shell is terrible

7:58:
Loosening WV Crest up for some QB action? Or to replace Rushell Shell, one young man’s football journey from Pitt to UCLA to WVU and then not the NFL

7:59:
Turn. Around. How do you let that happen?

7:59:
Put the 2nd team D in on Offense

7:59:
Rushel Shell is a Pitt plant. Homeland season 33.

7:59:
[Fauxpas]. I thought I was texting Jermy. Don’t print this. [For real].

8:00:
is it too early for the wheels to be coming off the wagon?

8:00:
Turn around, bright eyes.

8:02:
Worley is getting picked on two weeks in a row now. He can’t find the ball

8:04:
Did … Did he really just say Let’s try to hold em to zero the rest of this quarter?

8:04:
if it weren’t for bad luck we’d have no luck at all

8:05:
Wasted all that good luck on the preseason

8:05:
3rd and Worley

8:05:
Worley can’t tackle either

8:05:
OU all over again. Skyler, Worley, weak OL play.

8:05:
Where are the folks who insisted this was not like last year? Where are the folks saying they can win the last five games?

8:05:
Can we start the coaching search talk now?

8:05:
Is that Joanne Worley?

8:05:
CREST! That is all

8:07:
I may stab myself in the eye if Shell gets another cary

8:09:
Shoestring tackle = no luck

8:09:
Whoa! holgy looks worried.

8:13:
Take my football, please!

8:13:
Is it hoops season yet?

8:13:
So this is a looong Fall… all the way to Kansas?

8:13:
Holgy’s hair pretty much says it all.

8:13:
Back Judge is the new Karl Joseph

8:13:
Every now and then we fall apart.

8:16:
Quote from crowd…”it’s [like] north Marion out there”

8:20:
i’ll take two

8:20:
We can dance if we want to. We can leave your friends behind. Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance….

8:23:
It’s a safety, [my friends]. Just so you know, I made the sign for safety in a bar full of Alabama fans. They look at me like I’m an alien.

8:23:
Maybe holding on to the ball should be a coaching point?

8:23:
Good god. Shell can’t get anywhere and fumbles. Smallwood makes a good gain … And fumbles.

8:23:
The year? 2010. The campus? Uconn.

8:23:
Big 12 refs. That’s it. That’s the joke.

8:24:
Dana and my toddler have alarmingly similar demeanors when things don’t go their way.

8:24:
Skyler Howard is a football Nick Patella. Discuss.

8:24:
Is that safety enough to save Dana’s [bottom]??

8:24:
Wordt block in the back I’ve ever seen. EVER.

8:27:
Okie State punter better than the facial hair folk hero

8:27:
Boom suck

8:27:
Quote from crowd…”he couldn’t wipe his [person] if it was dry” ???

8:28:
Howard is broken

8:28:
skylar “yips” howard.

8:28:
He’s Paul Millard with a functioning arm

8:29:
C R E S T!!!!

8:31:
Brock Huard has figured out OSU’s formations

8:34:
He’s a man. He’s 48. And his formations give away run or pass.

8:34:
Come on. Just 6 more safeties, guys!

8:37:
Howard watching Rudolph thinking, must be fun to have a functional right arm

8:37:
I knew this offense would struggle and the defense wouldn’t dominate anyone noteworthy. I hate being right.

8:41:
Catch me! I’m jumping off the Holgorsen bandwagon.

8:41:
The 2 looks worse than 0, frankly

8:41:
Kyle Rose offensive MVP!

8:45:
Number 5 apparently returned it AND blocked in the back. Impressive. [Ignore] these guys.

8:48:
Anybody paying money for this is a sucker

8:48:
I’m over it. So. So. Over it.

8:49:
Skyler Howard is now starting to enter the conversation for worst WVU quarterback of all time. I am serious.

8:49:
Crest. Please play Crest. It’s not knee jerk at this point.

8:49:
Okay, I’ve seen enough to say definitively. Skyler is not the answer to any question that matters to me.

8:49:
You use retrievers not receivers for dead ducks, someone tell Skyler.

8:53:
Helmet gets him off when Dana won’t

8:53:
There’s your new strategy. If there is under 10 seconds left in the game rip the opponents helmet off and run the clock out.

8:53:
This loss ain’t on def

8:53:
I’m betting a blind man could have read Dana’s lips right there!

8:53:
[Definitely] do not show Dana on TV he just said [a word], and I agree!

8:53:
If they’re playing for Karl, the results say they hate his [unquestioned] guts

8:53:
That was atrocious.

8:53:
[Magic] show. I’m half tempted to leave

8:53:
Bring Mullens back!

8:54:
Calm the (frog) down Dana. You are close to scalping yourself.

8:57:
By rule, I’m getting blackout drunk through halftime et cetera I mean for [Franny’s] sake here we go again

8:57:
I drove 12 hours to have 2 little girls block my view the entire first half and could not be more thankful.

8:59:
How can you play Howard after that? There isn’t an answer. There has to be a question.

9:01:
I have no idea what the game plan is. Or was. Unless it involved [shoddy] field position and a copious amount of turnovers and pissed off fans.

9:07:
Maybe Stephen F Austin knows how to evaluate QBs after all…

9:13:
This is the most depressed I’ve been listening to Bohemian rhapsody

9:13:
End the feel-good, over-achiever [fantastic] Oprah feel-good story now and put Howard on the practice squad.

9:20:
Best 11 on 13 TD you’ll see today

9:21:
On a good note, ability to make halftime adjustments sign of good coach. On a bad note, he didn’t kill Skyler.

9:21:
I hate being like this, but that conversion still required a great catch by Durante. Howard just isn’t good.

9:21:
SMALLWOOD is big.

9:26:
That might make a Worley of difference

9:26:
This feels familiar, which means the ending will be familiar to. SIGH

9:29:
WVU version of luck. 1st string QB fumbles and 2nd QB gets hurt

9:29:
Tres

9:29:
Y

9:29:
Ocho

9:29:
You know you have a good team when the backup QB gets hurt trying to recover the starting QB’s fumble

9:35:
Gotta hand it to ’em. New and creative ways to suck.

9:37:
Okie State qbs a rotation of future Merrill Lynch Tulsa branch office managers

9:39:
How does the slowest guy on the field run for 40 on 3rd and 10

9:39:
Daryl Worley masquerades as an All Big 12 corner.

9:40:
That run by Rudolph is the type of [event] Dana points to after the game to say the defense wasn’t all that.

9:41:
Is the Big 12 paying officials per penalty yard this season?

9:44:
Good Howard

9:45:
Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.

9:45:
Oprah loves Howard!

9:46:
That didn’t blow. Howard’s like a [substandard] girlfriend. It’s heartbreak or ecstasy!

7NA. Automatic 25 yard pass.

ack! 7NA

Glidden. Better paint than pass catcher.

Give the [brown] ball to Smallwood

It’s like we forget, each play, that the tight end is an eligible receiver. Like 50 First Dates for tight ends.

Play calling is terrible

Getting pass happy. No explanation why Smallwood vanishes for whole quarters

I’m sure the five Wyoming fans in the country are pissed we play 4 hour games.

How many turnovers must we endure from this piece of human garbage?

Breaking Bad skyler

Squirt double covered and Brock Huard raining [smack] talk on Skyler and Dana

Ladies and gentlemen, Skyler Howard.

Ben Grogan, you are no Steve

There is no rational (or irrational) person who can put THIS on the defense.

Coach. News Flash. Skyler is not the answer.

7NA, another 30 yard gain immediately

Touchdown or no, gotta hand it to Skyler for the effort.

Breaking Good skyler

7NA. Automatic 25 yard pass.

Okie State picks student section end for OT. Unreal.

JW Walsh has to have hazed somebody at some point

Why??????????? 3rd and 2

Hey lets put the game on the arm of the least accurate passer in the world

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory

Squirt was open

#firedana

Skyler Howard bombed Doctors Without Borders. He was aiming for Shorts.

TEAMFIREDANA

gone with a whimper not a bang

Thank god I have The Walking Dead tomorrow. Hopefully Holgs gets bit.

When Howard tries to brush his teeth, he leaves the bathroom with a squeaky clean toilet

Winners find a way to win. Losers find a way to lose. We are NOT over the hump mentally

Howard has been barred by police from eating at fondue restaurants because he scalds nearby diners with hot cheese

When Howard goes to mail a letter, the cops have to use jaws of life to get his arm out of the mailbox

When Howard goes to a carnival nobody get dunked but his 3 throws kill 10 pigeons

Mike Gundy just petitioned the NCAA for a 6th year for Howard

Why Shell and not Smallwood in OT?

Howard rankings: Curly.
Cosell.
Moe.
The Duck.
Johnson.
Bobbie.
Hughes.
Jones.
Curly.
Joe.
Dwight.
Mandel.
Shemp.
Skyler.
-30-

Recruit a real QB or resign, Dana

5-7, 4-8, here’s looking at you

Oklahoma State has nondescript uniforms! #sothere

Danny DeVito says Skyler is a short idiot

i can’t even say hold on to this pain bc the same qb is coming back next year

I think Dana might have X-PAC heat in Morgantown

New AD. Terrible loss to a conference foe that you should beat. Just saying.

Caleb Rowe thinks Howard has accuracy problems

this wasn’t a heartbreaker. that would imply victory was denied us; this one we frittered away.