After 4 good years, this account will be ending next week. Here’s my resignation letter. pic.twitter.com/mgphZ7XoUQ

— Not Dana Holgorsen (@FauxHolgorsen) December 23, 2014

One of the final days of 2014 was one of the sadder days of 2014 as @FauxHolgorsen, the expertly structured, timed and executed parody account that honors — honors? lampoons? captures? — West Virginia football coach Dana Holgorsen announced its retirement.

Just terrible news.

WVU has, I think, terrific parody accounts for Holgorsen and Bob Huggins, and losing one meant for lighter laughter. Faux Dana was clinical and comical and creative, and it turns out that took a toll, as explained in the letter above. It is the price if greatness, I suppose.

In a strange, strange sort of way, Fake Dana and I grew to be sort of close while maintaining perpetual distance through the years. He would lean on me in tough times and I looked to him for hilarity, but there was also this bizarre thing that happened: People thought I was him, or he was me. Probably he was me.

Confession time!

No, not that one. What’s wrong with you people?

The reason I missed yesterday’s basketball game was because  I had a pretty important appointment to keep in Memphis. Faux Dana agreed to meet for drinks and an exit interview at the Peabody Hotel, where I know he wasn’t staying, but where everyone nevertheless knew his name. I think I know why, but we never got around to that.

Enjoy, and do take a moment to say your goodbyes in the comments. I don’t think he’s coming back.

Mike Casazza: First things first. Why?

Faux Dana Holgorsen: My talk-to-tweet plan on my headset expires Jan. 15. I just built a new house, man. I have more expenses I have to pay for. Something’s got to give.

/swigs water.

MC: I see. Makes sense. But I meant why aren’t you wearing pants? I know we negotiated conditions for this, but I didn’t think I’d have to specify that.

FDH: Mike, you and I both know this isn’t the first time we’ve been together and I haven’t worn pants. Remember that night after the Orange Bowl? Or, that one Easter at your place?

You should try it yourself. It’s freeing, in more ways than one.

MC: Actually, the Orange Bowl was a fun night except you would not shut up about how much respect you had for Train.

Also, that wasn’t Easter. That was cousin’s senior night at Forney High. You we’re convinced the mascot was the Easter Bunny. My aunt and uncle are still pissed. And I still don’t know why you were there.

FDH: Just scouting. I roam around high schools on my off days looking for 17-year-old boys, and I lure them with promises to convince them to come home with me. Rivals says I’m the 17th best in the country at it.

Speaking of long-lasting relationships, have you told your wife about us yet?

MC: Eh, touchy subject because she might be onto us. It’s really awkward when that “Jake from State Farm” commercial comes on, but I manage. Like, when you sent that candy gram, I said it was for her, but I got lucky because I don’t like chocolate. I had a harder time explaining the gin gram. You even knew my brand.

FDH: You know, a lot of people believe you and I are the same person. Does that creep you out?

MC: Just a little. There have been occasions when we tweeted almost identical things moments apart, and that set people off. Through the years, I’ve been asked by coaches, players and even administrators if I know who you are, and I’m certain many were asking in the “…because I think it’s you” vein.

The best part is what’s happened in the past few weeks. Legitimate people are asking if you’re me and if I’m going to reveal it one day soon since the account is closing. One person even framed it around me going to work in the NCAA, presumably with Oliver, and thus having no attachments to WVU and journalism.

People are weird.

While were talking about current events, it’s been an emotional time for you. You saw Kevin and Jake in the Liberty Bowl. Shannon’s left for Kentucky. Oliver’s leaving for the NCAA. You’re about to ride off into the Twitter sunset. How are you doing, champ?

FDH: I have no friends, Mike. I went bowling with Kev and Jake in Memphis, but it wasn’t the same. Shannon turned into a loser ever since he got married, and now, all of a sudden, he prefers to spend more time with his newborn child than me. Oliver — just don’t get me started. All I have left is Alex Hammond, and between you and me, he’s not that great.

I’ve tried getting new friends. I’ve tried Tinder, Christian Mingle, Classmates.com, you name it. Josh Lambert is a friend, but are kickers really friends? Clint was my friend, but here I find out last week that he’s been lying to me. I guess I might as well leave, ya know? I’ve been crying myself to sleep most nights. I’ve spent a lot of time going through old photo albums, listening to old voicemails from 2012, reading old tweets. It’s been hard.

MC: That’s incredibly sad. Refill?

FDH: You’re buying. So sure, why the hell not?

MC: Excuse me, ma’am? Two Iowan Mules. It’s vodka, Tang and Red Bull.

But still, you’re in control of your fate. You can turn this around. You’re recruiting pretty well. You’re reshaping your staff. If you don’t mind sharing, what’s your plan for the offseason?

FDH: I’ll start this offseason with my annual “coaches hunt.” This is where I look in my Trapper Keeper for names and numbers of friends I know who are coaches, or people who could pass as coaches, and I call them and offer them money and my friendship in return for their coaching abilities —

MC: Wait. Trapper Keeper? What type?

FDH: A Mead three-inch with the XL capacity zipper. It has a built-in calendar, a place for my calculators and everything. I’ll show it to you sometime.

MC: I’m impressed. Shocked, but impressed.

FDH: You see, Mike, I like to think of our coaching staff as a big ship, and the coaches who ride the ship must all pull their own weight by doing ship work like thinking of cool uniform designs, doing interviews with even the bad media members, Tweeting at young boys and sometimes even actually teaching football. I’ve appropriately named this coaching ship “Dana.”

Since Dawson decided to be a take another ship, one that gives him “more responsibility,” or whatever garbage, I need someone new to board Dana. If you know anybody who’d like a two- to three-year ride on Dana in exchange for roughly $250,000, please let me know. I’m always looking for good, quality candidates to ride Dana.

Some coaches have contractual obligations expiring that say they must stop riding Dana. That is unless we pay them more money to keep riding Dana. If they’ve ridden Dana like I wanted them to ride Dana, then that contractual obligation will be extended. Take JaJuan Seider, for example. He rides Dana like no other. If you’re an up-and-coming coach who wants to learn how to ride ships the right way, watch how JaJuan rides Dana.

As for me personally, I have a long list of things to do this offseason. In the past, I’ve done things like sky dive and I went wild game hunting in Africa. This year, I plan to be more adventurous. Here’s my bucket list for this offseason:

— Run with the Bulls in Spain with Quinton Spain
— Convince the new athletic director to add 10 additional yards onto the IPF, even if I have to hire secret people to do that convincing for me
— Get Bob Hertzel to finally accept my invite to watch Roseanne re-runs at my house
— Learn how to take a selfie
— Become the first person ever to jump off the New River Gorge Bridge naked
— Find a doctor who doesn’t tell me this rash is permanent
— Host Saturday Night Live

And yes, I am recruiting VERY well. Thank you for mentioning that.

MC: That’s a lofty list, but I think everyone would be agreeable to it. Probably even Hertz. I think you two would get along. I really do, and I can’t say that about many people. Most people. Probably almost all people. I’ll see what I can do.

Anyhow, I’ve always wondered this, because you do have some ticks in press conferences. When you’re listening to a question and suddenly reach for a water bottle, strangle it and take a sip, that’s a tell, right?

FDH: Mike, you’re looking into this too much. I simply have an allergy issue that causes my throat to become abnormally dry. I take drinks of water to help that. It just so happens my symptoms flare up when I receive stupid questions.

MC: I’m starting to go over all those in my head. I think I’ve gotten one or two of those, so I have to assume you’re not being honest with me since all my questions are treasures.

But here’s where you need to be honest. What happened Monday? Too much emotion? Too much BBQ? I’m sure there have been plenty of blues since…I’ll stop. But please, answer.

FDH: I need to watch the film, Mike.

/swigs water

The effort was there but we played sloppy at times. And by we, I mean the players. I had a great game. Used all of my timeouts. Yelled at the refs quite a bit. So it wasn’t my fault. But again, I need to watch the film.

MC: Not for nothing, but I thought you showed legendary restraint when Lambert got hit in the junk on that roughing call.

FDH: I started rushing out there at first. I was infuriated. But then I remembered Josh is just a kicker, so it really wasn’t a big deal. Plus, we work on recovering from getting hit in the Tricketts every day in practice, which is why he was able to hit the field goal.

MC: Care to address the future of your staff? What are your plans for OC, if we can call it that, and what’s up with Lonnie and Joe?

FDH:
/sips water
/grunt
/cough
/heavier cough
/sips water

I love this staff. We love each other. We are all great, great friends. We have bi-weekly pajama parties. We had Christmas together. I’m even the father of some of the assistants’ children.

So, here’s my plan:

Lono, as I like to call him, will be taken care of soon. He’s a pretty chill guy, so I think I will give him a contract like JaJuan’s contract and we’ll call it a day. He will be forced to accept, because he loves working for me, because everybody loves working for me. If you don’t believe me, ask Jeff Casteel.

JoeFo, as I like to call him, showed tremendous effort this year. To reward this effort, effective Feb. 1, we’re going to double his contract to $1 million a year but make him a kickers-only coach. Kickers are very important sometimes and he needs to focus on these kickers only. If I catch him talking to anyone other than the kickers, I will have no option but to give him another raise.

I will take over the punters, because I used to punt in high school. Members of the kickoff and kick return teams will be trained extensively using EA Sports College Football 2012 on XBox or PlayStation – their choice – because as we all know that’s probably the easiest part of football.

We will not be filling the offensive coordinator’s position since I basically do all the work anyways. Instead, we’ll use that money to fund recreational activities for the coaches, which I shouldn’t comment on until the new AD extends my contract.

MC: I’ll need an update later on, but for now, we’re nearing the end of our allotted time. I guess what I’m most curious about is your decision. You know many coaches don’t stay retired that first time. Are you having second thoughts? Or are you Twitter’s Tony Dungy?

FDH: More like Bill Cowher. I’m done for good. Maybe, sometime in the future, I’ll get lucky enough to land an analyst job with CBS. And sure, I’ll miss it. In some ways, I already do. But it’s time.

MC: So help me God if I see @FauxCasazza.

FDH: That does have a pretty nice ring to it. Do you wear pants often?

MC: Habitually. You know this. I think we’d all agree you’ve done great deeds 140 characters at a time, but do you feel like you’ve left some unfinished business?

FDH: That’s a small part of why I’m throwing in the towel. It accomplished what it was set up to accomplish. It was a unique avenue of entertainment and a provider of some unusual comical relief through an otherwise complicated time to be a Mountaineers fan — a social media stress ball to some, if you will. It was a different way to keep up with the team, a bridge to the players at times. Everything was left out there. So, I wouldn’t say there’s unfinished business. Unless, of course, you had some ideas…

MC: Might need another round if were going to go down that road, just so you’d actually listen to one of my ideas. But I do like that you’re leaving the account active, sort of like a museum. Plus, occasional tweets at the right moment could be special. Imagine when Jake gets a head coaching job or when Clint signs a fee agent deal with the Argonauts. Or no?

FDH: The account will remain open, primarily for that “museum” aspect. It will always be there if someone wants to stop by, think about the good times we had together, and maybe leave flowers and six-pack of Red Bull. And who knows, somewhere down the road, if the timing is right, maybe you’ll see a resurrection. It’s unlikely, but it will always be an option.

MC: Well, thanks for agreeing to this and for meeting me here. I know you’re busy with — actually, I have no idea what you’re up to. Did you really do Graceland? Because now I’m worried you’re going to want to re-decorate your home.

FDH: Graceland was OK. That’s where I bought this Elvis mug. We should do this more often, ya know?

MC: Absolutely. And you’ve got some free time now. But seriously, thanks again. For everything. Friends?

FDH: Sure. But only if you drive me home.

[The real person behind Faux Dana explained the exit out of character:

After four years and 5,500 tweets, I’m getting close to being maxed out creatively with it. There’s only so many ways you can have a rant on the sidelines, or celebrate a big play. I didn’t want to get to the point where I get to be repetitive, which sometimes I feel like I am now. I didn’t want to run it into the ground just for the sake of continuing it.

Time is a big factor in that too. It takes time to be creative, and I don’t have the time I used to have when the account was started. Right now, I guarantee you 50-percent of my day is either monitoring the account, thinking of things to tweet, or designing some sort of graphic like the College Gameday schedule. Especially during this time of the year with the AD and staff changes or the Trickett retirement, you have to be glued to your phone to keep up with the news so you’re up-to-date and well-timed on your tweets. I used to go to home games all the time, but have basically stopped just because I can’t get cell service inside the stadium to tweet. Thanks a lot, Oliver.]