When I arrived at West Virginia University so many years ago, I spent quiet and peaceful nights at Boreman South, which made my parents happy since it’d been blurbed in a magazine of note for its penchant for parties. WVU was also at that time the No. 1 party school and try as I might, I just couldn’t tell my folks I’d seen or experienced anything of the sort.

“It’s the media, ma!” I’d say as I began to corner the market on irony.

Well, I’m sure they didn’t know how to feel compelled to jump pages. Stunning revelation time! I sometimes stretched the truth back then (and probably fooled no one).  

Morgantown was a wild, wild place. I saw and experienced things that didn’t merely make my jaw drop, but made it dislocate like a starved snake’s and smash the pavement below. I felt like I was part of the party zenith at WVU — not the peak, to be sure, but not the tail end, either.  But I was definitely in it, out there, doing things, making it happen.

There are a lot of things the school does that make me proud (and sometimes cringe) but for some twisted reason the party school ranking always grabs my attention. This year we — in this case, it is “we” — are No. 6.

Cue Mr. Lombardi.

Who’s to blame? The ABC? The rise of the clubs and bars? The fall of the house and block party? Yager Bombs? Yuengling? Hippies? The Rob Thomas comeback? Grey’s Anatomy? WVAQ? I’m puzzled, angry, sad, concerned, prepared to go buy a 12-pack of Carling Black Label because I still can.

We need to learn from this. Check the poll and follow me to SEC country. Quite clearly, that’s where it’s at. And if you can’t make it to Athens, Ga., then head to Athens, Ohio, which has had the top spot and cannot be questioned.

I’ll say this: The Princeton Review gives us hope. Allow me to explain:

No. 1: Students Study the Least — You can’t have your head in the clouds if your nose is in a book. You can’t. This is awful notoriety, but it’s the cost of excellence. … What’s that? Jim Clements on Line One?

No. 8: Lots of Beer — Do I need to explain? Or do I need to wonder how this is only No. 8? I’m suspicious.

No. 11: Best Athletics Facilities — When my sister was looking at colleges, I told her, despite the fact she had no real interest in sports, “You’re going to want to have some good teams to root for. You can’t possibly understand me now, but you will. Trust me.” Well, in summary, she cried when Anthony Grant left VCU for Alabama in March. It matters. And what does this have to do with facilities? It’s the Field of Dreams thing. If students have great seats, they’ll come and act like students, provided the team is good. WVU’s teams have been very good and the students have been good enough to warrant exactly this ranking — not too high, not too low. Yet if this is higher, so, too, is the Party School rank.

No. 11: Best College Newspaper — This has nothing to do with the Party School ranking, but it needs to be mentioned.

No. 17: Reefer Madness — This goes against the Party School grain and if this is lower, the Party School rank is higher. It’s the passive-aggressive conflict. You can’t do a keg stand if you can’t feel your fingers. You can’t hammer a bottle of Dickel and stumble into Up All Night’s breakfast buffet if your stomack is full of Triscuits. If the staff at Cool Ridge knows you on a first-name basis, if your fingers are stained nacho cheese orange, if you’re looking for your car keys and your car keys are in your hand, if you’re wandering the cookies aisle at Kroger at 2:30 a.m., you’re not helping this problem. Put the pipe down, shotgun a Budweiser and head to Sports Page.  

No. 20: Best College Library — I’m torn here. It’s a beautiful library, but who wants to be known for their library? Then again, it’s a beautiful library and I’m supposed to believe there are 19 better? I have no issue here, I guess.

Goals for next year: Let’s not be No. 1 in Students Study the Least, but let’s not sacrifice our morals, either. Go to that beautiful library every so often. Let’s get some more beer and a little less tree. Let’s improve our athletic facility reputation and generate a little more excitement. And for God’s sake, let’s read and publicize the Daily Athenaeum a lot more.