Meesa not know what to do about 'Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace'

Meesa been troubled about something for several weeks.

Should I:

a) expose my bright little girls to the most wonderful film series of ALL TIME?


b) keep them away from Jar Jar Binks, Jake Lloyd and prequels?

Unfortunately, theesa not mutually exclusive questions.

That’s because George Lucas, who shot first and then changed his mind repeatedly, is releasing his Star Wars films IN 3D starting with the most mediocre film of all time, “Star Wars: Episode 1: A Phantom Menace: George Lucas Can’t Stop Meddling With His Movies But He’ll Never Get Rid of That Annoying Jar Jar.”

So, I’ve been torn.

Meesa not take-a theesa pictua. Annie Leibowitza take-a theesa pictua.

I love the Luke Skywalker/Han Solo/Princess Leia versions of the series, which began in 1977 in the GREATEST DECADE OF ALL TIME.

But the prequels? Not so much.

Still, I thought my kids need to start somewhere. And the prequels are built for kids — what with the cartoonish Jar Jar, a young Anakin Skywalker portrayed by the aforementioned Jake Lloyd and pod races. Plus, you know, it’s the beginning. Might as well begin there.

So I left it up to them.

And here’s the conversation we had:

Me: ‘Yousa want to go learn about the difference between a da Jedi and the Sith tomorrow?”

Kid No. 1, Age 9: “No.”

Me: “For real? Not even for battles with laser swords and spaceships?”

Kid No. 1: “No. It’s boring.”

She comes at this with some degree of credibility. She likes the “Doctor Who” television series, and last summer she went with me to ‘Super 8,” “Harry Potter,” “Green Lantern” and “Captain America.” So she wasn’t just being a dumb girl, and I mean dumb girl in the fondest way possible. I guess she sniffed out ‘Phantom Menace” for what it really is. Still, “boring”? You haven’t seen boring until you’ve seen “Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.” Blech.

I resorted to bribery.

“How about for popcorn?”

Her: “Huh-uh.”

Me: “How about for a sugary, carbonated drink?”

Her: “Huh-uh.”

Meanwhile, Kid No. 2 started drawing me a friend to go to the movies with.

If the movie were “Star Wars: Episode 4: A New Hope: Han Shot First,” well, then — THEN! — I might be happy to go over to the movie theater with my very own hand-drawn friend.

But not in this case.

Sorry, Phantom Menace. I guess we-sa opting outsa.


A boy's interest in Pinterest

My rubber chicken board

I kept hearing all about Pinterest. And I didn’t know what to do.

So I signed up for it.

And then I still didn’t know what to do.

So then I looked to find other guys who were on Pinterest. And I found their “boards.”

And I discovered they hadn’t done ANYTHING.

In case you’re all kinds of confused, like me, Pinterest is a social media phenomenon. And I would like to be a phenomenon, wouldn’t you?

It’s this thing where people are on it. And they have pretend boards. And they “pin” pretty or interesting pictures to their pretend boards.

Most of the stuff that gets pinned is hairdos or fashion or kinds of exercises.

I am not interested in hairdos or fashion or exercises.

Can you tell?

So what could I pin?

The answer was soon clear: rubber chickens.

So I pinned a bunch of rubber chickens.

And then I pinned a bunch of bouncy exercise balls.

And then I pinned several pictures of the celebrated hip hop hype man Flavor Flav.

I stood back from my boards and I experienced great satisfaction.

But now what shall I pin?

What do you pin, gentle readers?